If you are committed to having a natural childbirth, at some point you will face the challenge of communicating your goals and preferences to your doctor or midwife. You’ve probably already figured out that there is no shortage of articles and posts online with suggested questions for your birth provider. Even I’ve posted my 5 most important questions to ask your doctor.

But if you are anything like me, coming up with the questions to ask isn’t the hard part. It’s actually opening your mouth and making the words come out in a way that makes sense. Effectively communicating how important these things are to you is the first step in meeting your birth goals.

So how do we shake off the sweaty palms and racing heart and communicate with confidence? This article isn’t about what to ask. It’s all about how to ask.

Here are my tried and tested tips for effectively communicating with your care provider.

What’s Wrong With Being Confident?

First things first. I want to make one thing crystal clear: YOU are in charge of your birth. This baby is your most precious gift and you are NOT going to feel bad for taking extra time, asking more questions or requesting clarification. We have been programmed to apologize for asking questions. No more apologizing. Give yourself a little pep talk before you head into the office. Repeat after me: “I have a RIGHT to answers. Asking questions makes me a good mom, a smart patient and I don’t need permission to ask questions about MY baby and MY body.”

Whenever I would get nervous about talking to my provider about something, I would remind myself that they work for ME. When you walk through those doors, YOU are in the drivers seat.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ok, so you’ve got the confident thing down. That doesn’t mean you are going to arrive breathing fire and ready to attack your unsuspecting victim. Here’s the truth – providers that are supportive of natural childbirth are not as rare as we are lead to believe. Doctors and midwives who serve women in a hospital setting have the same final destination as you: A healthy mom and a healthy baby. They are not your enemy.

We’ve already talked about providers respecting a mother’s wishes and how important it is to feel that your concerns and preferences are valued and taken seriously. But we need to hold ourselves to same standard of common decency. You have to give respect to get respect.

Put yourself in their shoes. You’ve dedicated almost a decade of study to the field of medicine and obstetrics and attended hundreds of births.  Then a mother comes into your place of business and acts like she’s more educated than you and that your medical advice is irrelevant. Right or wrong, you would probably immediately become defensive and carry a chip on your shoulder towards that mom.

I make this statement to my pre-teen daughter all the time and I think it’s relevant here: “You can say anything you want to me, as long as you do it respectfully.” Unless a provider displays their ignorance or incompetence you should demonstrate a warm, open attitude.  Treating your provider with the same respect you expect to receive will go a long way towards building a relationship with this VIP that will be attending your birth. It’s possible to disagree respectfully and still maintain a positive relationship with your provider.

Something to Talk About

Confidence and respect will go a long way  But how do you actually open your mouth and make the words come out? Here are a few super simple tactics to make sure you don’t chicken out or freeze when the time comes to start the conversation.

Prepare your list of questions and know what answers you want to hear. There is no point in gathering questions unless you can decipher an acceptable answer from an unacceptable answer. You must have a basic idea of how you envision your ideal birth and what is most important to you before you start the conversation.

Let the nurse know that you have some questions you’d like to discuss with your provider. Typically, a nurse or assistant will take your vitals before you are seen by your provider. This is the perfect time to say, “Could you let the doctor know that I have a few things I’d like to discuss with him?”. When you alert the nurse first, it makes it much easier to follow through when the provider walks in the room, because they are already prepared to take some extra time to talk with you.

Remember that this is a conversation, not an inquisition. You are simply having a discussion with another person. You do that every day! Nothing scary about that, right? Conversations tend to flow, so many times other concerns and questions on your list will get answered without having to actually voice the question.

Phrase your questions as statements first. Sometimes it’s really difficult or intimidating to voice your opinion or desire after your provider has answered your question negatively. Instead of, “How do you feel about natural child birth?”, try saying, “I am planning on having a natural birth with as few interventions as possible. What are your thoughts and personal experiences with natural birth?” Try reworking your questions to follow this formula:

Statement (This is what I want.) + Question (Can you accommodate what I want?)

Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification. Medical providers are masters at giving cryptic answers and non-answers. If you ask “Will I be able to have full freedom of movement during labor?” and your provider responds, “It depends on how your labor is progressing.”, it is perfectly acceptable to ask them to give you specific scenarios where freedom of movement would not be recommended.

Be Realistic. Be assertive but not pretentious about how you envision your ideal birth. Communicate the fact that you understand the unpredictability of birth and that you know that you can’t plan every detail. If you can do this effectively, your provider will be much more willing discuss possibilities and hypothetical scenarios with you. Hospital protocol and standards of care will prevent even the most natural birth friendly doctor or midwife from encouraging certain things during the course of your labor.

Preparation and practice are the keys to feeling comfortable voicing your opinions. If you’ve never done it before, it’s totally normal to be nervous when you need to ask a hard question. The more you speak up, the more comfortable you’ll feel. I promise.

Don’t allow fear and intimidation to dominate your healthy, normal pregnancy. You’ve got this.